It was the peak of 2014’s summer. We had been visiting, as usual, the once-a-year mandatory homecoming. I remember walking up to my paternal grandparents’ house and expecting her to come out the door all barking and excited. I was ready to be afraid of her as I was every time and hide behind my mother’s dupatta.

But as I walked up the porch and to the front door, it was all silent. I remember it as clear as day, there was not even a tinkle of movement, of her paws scurrying in the living room. I was lost and utterly confused as to why that being of white, cotton-like fur, hadn’t made her presence clear, peeking out and scratching the net layer of the front door. It was odd. There was a sense of relief in my mind but still, a longing to see her and be afraid of her, no matter how much I disliked that feeling.

But that day, Silky never showed up at the door. We entered inside as my daadi, my grandmother, greeted us with all the hello’s and how are you’s you’d expect to hear after a long while of being away. I, however, immediately asked her in all my curiosity “where is Silky? why isn’t she here?”. Upon my saying that, a solemn yet ‘trying to be positive’ type of expression settled on her face. She said, as calmly as possible, “she isn’t here, she is with God now”. It partially struck my partially-matured mind. Old, joyful Silky was gone. She had suffered long enough what with the multiple struggles she had faced, yet she lived a wondrously long life. 16 hearty years of biscuits and love. But, despite all this, I would never see her again.

I had showed up with hopes, mustered up all my courage, that I would overcome my fear of canines and felines when I’d meet her this time. That perhaps I would learn to love that adorable and cheery personality as much as everyone in the house did. I had promised my mom I would. But now, with her gone, that sense of wanting to had left my body. Everyone seeming to be so okay with her absence made me question why they were behaving so. I never understood adults that way.

It has been over a decade and I still question why I couldn’t have acknowledged her presence while she was still here, a big baby that only wanted my attention, one that never meant to harm even a strand of my hair.

Perhaps those are the shortcomings of the partially matured mind; we do not realize, not in time.

You see, we spend a long portion of our lives constantly trying to figure out backup plans and plotting the ifs and buts of our lives. We reject opportunities, we do not try to reach out for new ones. There always seems to be a lingering doubt in the back of our mind. We don’t dance when we want to because people are watching, we don’t say the things we want to say; our minds holding us back for days or even years. We spend an insane amount of time not living but thinking about the act of living.

There always seems to be a voice telling us to not do that one thing, to not make a leap for it. However, as all of us that have even slightly lived must know, life is the very act of choosing and doing. It is okay to be afraid, to have a fear of whatever it is that runs through your mind and scares you. For me, this blog in itself is a testament to my holding back from years of not creating a site. But it is our decisions, especially those we wish to, but don’t make, that will bring us the greatest sense of fulfillment.

When we think of all that we are terrified of, we think of missing out as well. But this is your life. You aren’t missing out until you decide that you, in fact, are. If you feel held back, that is okay. It is human to feel so, to be so. But the largest takeaway that I have from most of my fears has been that even if I never fully get rid of them…I can always take small steps. Losing your fears and conquering your fears are all motivating terms but they lead to dead ends or to even more self doubt when you do not get over said fear. The simplest truth, however, is to not leave a space for regret. Regret is the pit in which the human soul destroys itself.

All I say, I do not say from a place where I am fully unafraid of everything in life. Like most, I too have those little and huge things that seem to stand in my mind like a million obstacles. For instance, I have gotten over my fear of animals, however I still quiver a bit when a rather aggressive being comes too close to me. That is okay. The very step of accepting the fear is big in itself. Like me, I wouldn’t expect anyone to be fully alright with embracing the newness of something unknown to them. It is a process, and a rather long one. That is what being an individual is. Your fear is a part of you and should not be a place of shame whatsoever. No one is asking you to take a leap off a cliff you haven’t even witnessed the altitude of. No one should ask nor expect you to do that. But perhaps climbing up the cliff is the first thing you could choose to do.

I, relatively, am also quite scared of heights. But as time goes by I remind myself of what I lost, what happened once, when I was perhaps too immature to understand it. That I cannot let this fear stop me from giving love, receiving love, from enjoying, from basking in the joy of it all.

I go on rollercoasters and let the adrenaline wash over me, I feel numb most of the time and seem to accept my fate once I’m at the highest point of the ride, my stomach churns. But at least I know that as the days go by I will turn to screaming my lungs out because whatever that was left of my fear will leave me someday and I will grow. I stand on the shallow ends of the shore and feel the water touch my legs, passing by like a wave of cold comfort. Yet I still can’t swim or go beyond the shallow. I feed a tiny chihuahua with my hands and pat its head. I know that little me would be surprised at the very acts of these small things that I dare to do; and do happily. I remind myself of my long gone self and I respect her but now, I do not think much of what was but of what is. Perhaps that is what creates the difference in our lives. We have to start somewhere.

As the days go by, I notice that some days are very similar to others, but I also notice the willingness I have to add something new in each day. I dislike change but I have to embrace it regardless of its impartialities. We all should. There we go; another fear I have been trying to let go of.

Losing Silky has been an event in my life that, although short, has played a significant role in how I view being afraid of things, situations, people or even life. It took some time but I am way past all that now. I am as unafraid as I possibly can be at this moment. Tomorrow I will increase this percentage by even the smallest of fractions. Next week, I will do something I haven’t done in a long time. But for now I will give myself grace for trying. You should give yourself grace for trying. For doing or trying whatever it is.

Remind yourself of how precious this life is to be living in fear, these reminders are your biggest wonders and what make you who you are. Your fears aren’t your fault, your fears are not who you are, yet what you make of these discrepancies is ultimately what will hold you together and will be who you truly are.